pause

i was distracted, maybe... i was complacent, maybe... i was apathetic, maybe... i was pretending it was all ok, maybe... distracted, complacent, apathetic, pretending, repetitious, redundant, superfluous, stupid... but nothing changed, did it?... what a waste...

middle of the night

anyone out there awake?... sometimes i just want to know someone who cares and is awake to say hello to, even in text, in the middle of the night... but the silence tells the story of how little people care...

titless

it's good to not be lonely
it's good to be in love
it's good to live with friends
it's good to have someone to sleep with
someone to cuddle with
someone to be with

it sucks to be lonely
it sucks to not be in love
it sucks to live alone
it sucks to have no one to sleep with
no one to cuddle with
no one to be with

and though it may not be quite so black and white
mostly this is way too right
and i'd rather be good
than suck

wtfuck?

oh, did i offend someone?... did i surprise by finishing the f word after the wt?... what the fuck is the difference?... what the fuck is the point of this blog?... was there any point?... was there any worth to any of the entries along the way?... years now this blog has been spitting vitriol and futility into cyberspace and now and then someone response with understanding or something... but what does it mean?... what's the point?... what the fuck?...

beyond fatigue

blurry beyond fatigue beyond exhausted beyond...

beyond words...

returning the futility

the longer it continues, the less it matters...

kapish?

and in the end

you became meaningless in your absence...

and this blog was dedicated to you.

message to the missing

and being missing, you might miss this message, but because you are missing, this is for you... you know who you are...

why are you not following my words?... your caring ends?... you can get an email (or text, even) letting you know i put a few words online and you choose to be missing it, you are missing in inaction...

and i miss you less each year...

punctuation

you looking for some?... have a fucking period.

useless warnings

requesting attention may get you some
giving attention may get you more
but look around and take care of your heart
in this blog you will be torn apart

this is the anti-blog
i curse the hypocrisy
of people pretending to care
especially about me

words can mean anything
you decide in your mind
if you believe you understand
you might as well be blind

even in the physical world
where everybody lies
don't pretend you know anything
until you look into my eyes

and then, the challenge begins
dare truth to come out
I doubt you will, i expect you to pretend
that is what people are about

dare to prove me wrong
every test will tell
how far will you go
to create your heaven or hell

words can mean anything
you decide in your mind
if you believe you understand
you might as well be blind

it is all in your mind
where everybody lies
don't pretend you know anything
until you look in my eyes

anti-corp

maybe that is what all this blogging is about, the extreme antithesis of the corporate board room serious professional high risk of public exposure due to major secret privacy rules and laws and clearances and stuff i can only alude to cleverly and even this is beyond wise considering the dangers and losses that could be sustained if the secrets get out...

i am a rebel, after all...

and only you know...

sorta...

narf...

here, there, wherever

doesn't really matter whether i am here or gone or wherever in the end cuz the world goes on (and so do you) whether i am here or gone, there or wherever, and you don't really care cuz you don't call and ask where i am or how i am when i am gone and i don't even know you are there and we probably will never actually know each other so what?... we pretend we relate for a second or few and get some sense of connection and that gets us where?... here, there, wherever...

caring is a verb

if you do not do it, you lose it
if you do not do it, it does not exist
even if you think it does
even if you create a feeling inside
that fools you into believing you do
if you do not do it, you don't

did you care today?
what did you do?

wasting time?

writing is a way of life for me and yet, why do i bother writing to people who do not respond, or worse, to people who do not even care to notice i am writing?... people suck sometimes, especially those who say they care and show interest for a little while and then prove they never actually did care by disappearing and worse, ignoring any attempts to stay connected in any way... it's worse when someone tells you (and shows you) they love you and want you to be their whole world... love is a waste on humans, they have no concept of how to do it or what it truly can be... why believe people can mean what they say?... why believe people can be trusted?... why believe people care when they so obviously do not?... fuck 'em all...

it never ends

we only die...

no matter how much the wish

is valued, that is, no matter how much value is played on the wish, the power still lies with the grantor, not the wisher... and so it goes, the grantor sucks to ignore the wish and all that's left to do is say fuck you and keep on wishing... unless you are ready to devalue and compromise your wish... and whether that makes you a rational human or a pussy is all a matter of perspective... go ahead, shoot your arrow and then paint your target around it, you've got the right to any illusion you can create amidst this delusional species called human... if it makes you happy...

you wanna start something?

let me know what/when i make a difference in your life...

and then just as surely

fuckit :)

all the words are yesterday and today, nothing else matters (that came before) and i forget the hunger for your attention until i return, laughing, cuz the delusion is obvious and as meaningless as it can be...

i. m. fool

so i will just keep deluding myself into believing my few minutes (or hours, sometimes) a day putting videos online in my own pop news blog (that amuses me with stories and information I find in the news or on youtube or somewhere, some tongue in cheek, some controversial, some serious, some irreverent) or in my more personal video me blog (where I put videos that touch me, reflect me, affect me, and in some ways, represent me)… and the time I take to write words in my current daily life blog which is what it is, a record of the life I live and it matters to me…

even if no one ever cares to share any of it…

and all the rest, the bullsugar and blogs of rhymes and prose i write and even the deleted pages (which I will do my best to find and re-upload one day cuz I care, again, even if nobody else ever does), they matter, even if that is just my delusion and I am a fool for believing it…

but I’m not…

(the title lies)

101

caring 101 as if it is so hard to grasp... that's right, a hundred and one posts right here and how many of them have you missed?... of course, you are way too busy to care enough to actually keep in touch, all of you who claim to care... almost fifteen hundred entries in the primary daily blog and how many have you read, no less left a caring word or two that would actually make your so called caring real... yeah, yeah, i know, time is relative and it's the thought that counts and all that jazz...

and how many thoughts included me?

you want positivity, go elsewhere, you'll find the reality of your caring, or lack thereof, reflected back at you it you ever show up here... the worst part is you actually think you do care...

one more daily delusion bought and sold...

word.

years of nothing

so easy to see proof that you do not care, so easy to see the shallow lies you tell, so easy to see the superficial facade you try to sell to the world and so easy to see how the world buys it... you are the world, you kill the children... and then you write songs and stories to celebrate what you call truths and glories... why would anyone not delusional want to be near you?...

rem jewel and metal bugs

deep sleep dreams last for but the briefest moment and in the end, the saved gave nothing back to the world but fear and oppression and nightmares (they needed to create the darkness and fear of the darkness to sell the light), so nothing else matters, who knows (tomorrow?)...

like you could care less...

give a fuck

you don't, why should I?

abstract or concrete thought

People are mostly confused, delusional, and afraid to actually think for themselves, therefore their thoughts are relatively meaningless whether they are abstract or concrete as they are "hive" or collective thoughts and not individual thoughts, rendering all irrelevant.

the joke

or not so joke is that i am one of the people laughing at the ridiculousness of egocentric insecurity that compels us to pretend that anybody might care to know every little thing about me or you or anyone as if something important like happiness or world peace rests on writing these words...

wait, it's time for my next tweet...

narf.

hurt hurts

some people just want to hurt you because they hurt and the don't want to hurt alone... the trouble is, they could kill you...

protect yourself...

you don't care

if you did, you'd have change the world a long time ago... but what did you do today?... did you hurt someone?... did you lie to someone?... did you waste something?... did you think about some kid starving somewhere or the people who died in the past hour? (every hour)... what is in your garbage?... what is in your heart?...

you think no one sees?...

.

.

.

exactly...

the day before

the day before you learned how fucked up people can be, how cruel, how selfish, how mean, how unbelievably cold...

it was a good day...

trust no one

bitter angry sadness is bubbling down deep cuz ATT did what Disney and Lycos and Yahoo and others did before, suddenly blocked acces to web pages before i could download them and save them... yeah, AT&T fucked me... Disney fucked me... Yahoo fucked me... Google?... not yet... thousands of pages, 90% of my written gardens online, gone in an instant... corporate america could care less about people...

why should i...

fuck AT&T...

and it really doesn't matter if you're wrong or right

when nobody cares...

whatevery-er

whatever could possible be the reason behind continuing when there is nothing redeeming about this human life anymore and there is no hope that any of the humans will understand true enlightenment in this lifetime?...

posterity?... whatevery...

you don't get it

unless you see the laughter behind the insults (fuck you) and the truth within the message (fuck me) because the whole point is to separate the idiots from the morons and those in between from those who think eating at mcdonalds is a celebration from those who only eat the center cut of cow and those who believe life is defined by five senses and the egocentric self-serving narrow view humans take of everything because they are so afraid and will kill rather than admit it, so arrogant, really, but judgments and killing seem to give that false sense of security and power that people think they need, delusional species that humans are...

yeah, you, you don't get it...

suicidal tendencies

that is the human way

if you take any of this seriously

you are an idiot... but then, you had to know that was coming, look where you are... here again?... i mean, again?... obviously, you are wrong, because it you do not take this seriously, you just prove the point, nobody cares, so why should you...

so why are you here, really?

you really don't care

it shows in all your silences, in your pretenses, in your hypocrisy and obvious manipulations... yes, you, i am talking about you... stop looking around, you know who you are... you really don't care...

so why do you keep trying to pretend you do?

do you pick your nose when you snore?

most people do, you know, and you never know it because nobody who sees you do it has the heart to tell you because it's embarrassing for both of you and people are naturally awkward to begin with so avoiding nose picking snorers like yourself is an obvious choice...

but i'll tell you cuz i'm a sadist...

of course you did

what're YOU lookin at?

he so did not say that!

fuck xmas and the donkey it rode in on...

you don't really want to know

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxi'mxoxoxox
xoxoxnotxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
xoxoxoxoxoxoxfuckingxoxoxoxoxox
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
xoxoxoxmilaxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxkunisxoxox
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

no really, you don't

i mean, want to know cuz if you did, you'd be like all over the net searching and googling and binging and pinging and ponging and bonging and caterwalling about how unfair to local twelve it is that you don't...

know, that is...

antiblogdistablishmenterrorism

what would you be doing right now if the internet was not here?

faking it

the caring, the concern, the seriousness of life, the religious beliefs, the political ideology, the philosophical ponderings, the physical passion, the financial success, the togetherness, the responsibility, the regularity of entries, the righteous indignation, the amusement, the emotion, everything can be faked and usually is...

pretend otherwise and you are just faking it...