all the lonely people, where do they all come from?

really, who gives a fuck?

the joke

or not so joke is that i am one of the people laughing at the ridiculousness of egocentric insecurity that compels us to pretend that anybody might care to know every little thing about me or you or anyone as if something important like happiness or world peace rests on writing these words...

wait, it's time for my next tweet...

narf.

fuck you (very very much)

fuck you all

but first, fuck me... come on, somebody (but not just anybody, get that right), fuck me... and i don't mean screw me over, abuse me, betray me, take advantage of me, use me, or in any way do me wrong (i've had plenty of that in this life already thank you very much)... yeah, in some way (elusive or not) i am teling you all the fuck off because none of you care to come out of your holes (read: private lives) and actually share, none of you care to actually become part of real life offline (and again, i do not mean anybody, or you, even, but there are some people in this world who would be compatible with me (never met?... what?) and it is you few currently apathetic souls i am writing to most right here and now, fuck you for not fucking me...

or even just picking up the phone...

the hope

foolish as it seems, i still have my dreams... and the hope that all these words, thouands of pages (many thousands, actually)... writing an average of an hour a day for more than a decade (with some days skipped and other days lived in the words from waking to sleeping) writing and sending these words, these messages in bottles out on to the cyber seas... like a drunk robinson caruso talking to a soccer ball named amy, or [insert name here] and hoping for a response...

you're an idiot, i hear from the back of my mind... everybody is living while you are writing... and yet, someone must love words as i do, someone must want to share the words as i do, not as life, but as an extension of the mind, the ethereal life...

still, this may very well be why i am alone tonight...

the point

may be to demonstrate why blogging is ineffectual as a means of meaningful conversation, for no blog can stop the bleeding... in other words (because there are always other words, time and space dilute any meaningfulness the words, and therein the blog, can have)... if i am so lonesome i could die at this moment and hold out hope that words posted here will help, i could just as easily be so fucking angry at the futility of reaching out that i could scream fuck you all for not giving a damn a few moments later because, after all, you are not sitting there waiting for my plea for comfort and reassurance that i am not alone... and then, look around, am i really there?... here?... anywhere?... of course not, so the loneliness can only be abated a bit and only in the mind... but the bottom line is that the very act of sitting here and typing these words and writing this blog is keeping me from ending the actual loneliness in my life... catch 2?...

so keep blogging, if that is really what you want to do...

lab rats

That's all we are, lab rats. Running around the maze of the internet, even when nobody is watching. Maybe the experiment got out of hand. Or maybe i am giving away the big secret right here and now. Does that eliminate me from the game or get me promoted. Not that I am actually asking. But Paranoids want to know, after all. Not really, if they wanted to know they wouldn't be so afraid of knowing, or being known, for that matter. Did we learn something?

I'll be lounging on the ferris bueller wheel if you need me.

missing the point

All the words can not compare with the touch of human skin, the breath of human exhale, the kiss of human lips. All the loving words in the universe cannot begin to fill the physical void of a sensual being. That is why most die while still walking around, for the agony of feeling the emptiness is worse than any numbness, but fools ask the question - is it better to go numb in words, to give up the chance for sensual sharing?

Better than what?

happy birthday

just look at the time slipping by and not even noticed for words don't appear coming or going just as if memories faded into oblivion and it never was as if it never happened because nobody ever really cared because nobody thought about it ever again...

but i did...