message to the missing

and being missing, you might miss this message, but because you are missing, this is for you... you know who you are...

why are you not following my words?... your caring ends?... you can get an email (or text, even) letting you know i put a few words online and you choose to be missing it, you are missing in inaction...

and i miss you less each year...

why care?

life is momentary, so people justify caring because they believe there's some benefit after death, care because it gets you into heaven...

and if there is no heaven?...

lol

wait just a doggarn minute... are we laughing at the irony of this blogging conversation with no one? (shhhh, we create our own illusions you know and i appreciate the humor of the illusion you help me to create)... talking about real people here and there and especially in thereal with you, as if you are real too... yeah baby, he's a real nowhere man, cha cha cha (narf :)

we now return you to your regularly scheduled bitching...

fuck you all

but first, fuck me... come on, somebody (but not just anybody, get that right), fuck me... and i don't mean screw me over, abuse me, betray me, take advantage of me, use me, or in any way do me wrong (i've had plenty of that in this life already thank you very much)... yeah, in some way (elusive or not) i am teling you all the fuck off because none of you care to come out of your holes (read: private lives) and actually share, none of you care to actually become part of real life offline (and again, i do not mean anybody, or you, even, but there are some people in this world who would be compatible with me (never met?... what?) and it is you few currently apathetic souls i am writing to most right here and now, fuck you for not fucking me...

or even just picking up the phone...

who cares?

i could write the most profoundly essential words, the concept that explains god or the universe or everything, the key to peace and happiness and universal understanding, and who cares?... like the dam tree faling in the forest, it's meaningless... and even if you read it, are you really going to do it?... are we really going to share it?... of course not, we'll just go on bullshitting ourselves with the daily drivel we make so important (usually based on money in this sick culture) and nod our heads at the words and then forget they even exist...

i dare you to prove me wrong...

or perhaps the point is

the music above this or the words down below or the story in your eyes (go to the mirror boy?)... just listen and read and you'll find it if you want to and then it will matter... we cannot do everything at once, we cannot be everything to everyone, and we can only focus on one moment at a time if we truly want to make the most of the moment, enjoy it well, and share it completely... any less, and we waste it... so be in your moments, experience your choices, and regret only that you have the awareness of other desires you must pass on... there can be only one number one...

407-325-1482

get the point?

i deserve better

i know i deserve better treatment from those with whom i interact... i deserve to be appreciated more... i deserve more consideration for my feelings and for my desires... i do not deserve to be ignored, to be used at everyone else's convenience and then disgarded, or at least put aside for weeks, months, or years only to be expected to pick up right where i left off giving unconditionally when someone wants something from me again... i know my giving ways allow people to take advantage of me and my choice to continue being me, to continue giving unconditionally, enables the users... i keep hoping i will find one human being who is not a user, but no such luck so far...

i know i deserve fairness and balance in my sharings, but it just does not happen and i continue because i am not going to be someone i am not just because no one else has the courtesy, fairness, consideration, caring, and love that i experience in me and give to others... it is their loss and my loss, but there is no other way... i will keep teasing, poking, prodding, and trying every way i can to present the idea (that all religions are based upon) that fear and selfishness and holding back is not the best way to be and that love is, honest open shared unconditional love... i will not care less, share less, love less, give less, be less... like the worst joke ever told, i'll be back (bock, even)...

fuck'em if they can't take a joke... or get it right :)

the hope

foolish as it seems, i still have my dreams... and the hope that all these words, thouands of pages (many thousands, actually)... writing an average of an hour a day for more than a decade (with some days skipped and other days lived in the words from waking to sleeping) writing and sending these words, these messages in bottles out on to the cyber seas... like a drunk robinson caruso talking to a soccer ball named amy, or [insert name here] and hoping for a response...

you're an idiot, i hear from the back of my mind... everybody is living while you are writing... and yet, someone must love words as i do, someone must want to share the words as i do, not as life, but as an extension of the mind, the ethereal life...

still, this may very well be why i am alone tonight...

the point

may be to demonstrate why blogging is ineffectual as a means of meaningful conversation, for no blog can stop the bleeding... in other words (because there are always other words, time and space dilute any meaningfulness the words, and therein the blog, can have)... if i am so lonesome i could die at this moment and hold out hope that words posted here will help, i could just as easily be so fucking angry at the futility of reaching out that i could scream fuck you all for not giving a damn a few moments later because, after all, you are not sitting there waiting for my plea for comfort and reassurance that i am not alone... and then, look around, am i really there?... here?... anywhere?... of course not, so the loneliness can only be abated a bit and only in the mind... but the bottom line is that the very act of sitting here and typing these words and writing this blog is keeping me from ending the actual loneliness in my life... catch 2?...

so keep blogging, if that is really what you want to do...

life online

Spending so much time online, or at least appearing to, I confess the illusion is greater than the sum of it's parts. How many of my blogs have you found and do you know why? Why for you and why for me, why is the question before the last letter.

Irony of language used in correspondence.

So I confess. As much as I crave your attention, your respect, your admiration, adoration, affection... as much as I adore the feedback, i would trade it all, the internet, technology, life itself, for a moment of true love in eternal bliss. Or this could all be bullshit.

Fuck me for being such a fool.

cut the crap

We all hide here in this online purgatory, too scared to leave the thread of hope we might mean something to someone in this world, too scared to go out and face the high potential for rejection or worse, too scared to face the truth of this illusionary celebrity and imaginary friendship we build in our minds.

Life is out there, where are we?

how long has this shit been going 'round?

years after the fact, like some savior seeker martyr innocent puppet following blindly some dream of heavenly parental figure that relieves all responsibility, dissolves all worries, ceases all pain, and heals all wounds, ethereal and physical, so rebirth is the only option, and it's supposed to mean something now?

proof

that nobody really cares.