all the lonely people, where do they all come from?

really, who gives a fuck?

people are cruel

fear makes people cruel... even though it hurts them inside, they become numb to it and justify it by believing they must be cruel to survive... they must kill... they must hate... getting paid to be cruel is the norm... step on each other in the climb to the top... win at all costs... kindness is weakness... caring is weakness... the best liar wins... trust is weakness... be kind, caring, truthful, vulnerable, try it, you'll end up with nothing... show me proof otherwise if you can...

sympathy?

i don't want any, compassion, maybe, but is there any compassion in this world that isn't self-serving bullshit?... i don't think so and if you can prove me wrong, maybe i will sympathize...

hate too though

when i want to vent vitriol, venom, or vexation, i come here... when i want to spew shit that bugs me, i might go elsewhere (like the futility of a blog called meaningless complaints, for instance)... but when i am feeling the reality of nobody caring enough or the fact that humans are suicidal individually and as a species and i just want to stop hoping people will change and tell them all to fuck off, here we are... what fucking vulnerability is this?...

ok, you want more, i can do vulnerable... especially personally, the fact is, i write something about myself and/or something creatively every day somewhere... i maintain a daily life blog... i write in more than a hundred other blogs and places for an equivalent number of reasons... and the fact is that the fact is, nobody cares enough to be there everywhere every time i write... fact is, only a few people care enough to check in every now and then... fact is, i feel like i waste my time trying to communicate with humans, trying to maintain hope someone will understand and share... fact is, i feel like an idiot for continuing to be here... hey, maybe i fit in now, with the idiots i mean... pathetic makes us the same, right?... how pathetic...

yeah?

and in the end

you became meaningless in your absence...

and this blog was dedicated to you.

message to the missing

and being missing, you might miss this message, but because you are missing, this is for you... you know who you are...

why are you not following my words?... your caring ends?... you can get an email (or text, even) letting you know i put a few words online and you choose to be missing it, you are missing in inaction...

and i miss you less each year...

here, there, wherever

doesn't really matter whether i am here or gone or wherever in the end cuz the world goes on (and so do you) whether i am here or gone, there or wherever, and you don't really care cuz you don't call and ask where i am or how i am when i am gone and i don't even know you are there and we probably will never actually know each other so what?... we pretend we relate for a second or few and get some sense of connection and that gets us where?... here, there, wherever...

wasting time?

writing is a way of life for me and yet, why do i bother writing to people who do not respond, or worse, to people who do not even care to notice i am writing?... people suck sometimes, especially those who say they care and show interest for a little while and then prove they never actually did care by disappearing and worse, ignoring any attempts to stay connected in any way... it's worse when someone tells you (and shows you) they love you and want you to be their whole world... love is a waste on humans, they have no concept of how to do it or what it truly can be... why believe people can mean what they say?... why believe people can be trusted?... why believe people care when they so obviously do not?... fuck 'em all...

i. m. fool

so i will just keep deluding myself into believing my few minutes (or hours, sometimes) a day putting videos online in my own pop news blog (that amuses me with stories and information I find in the news or on youtube or somewhere, some tongue in cheek, some controversial, some serious, some irreverent) or in my more personal video me blog (where I put videos that touch me, reflect me, affect me, and in some ways, represent me)… and the time I take to write words in my current daily life blog which is what it is, a record of the life I live and it matters to me…

even if no one ever cares to share any of it…

and all the rest, the bullsugar and blogs of rhymes and prose i write and even the deleted pages (which I will do my best to find and re-upload one day cuz I care, again, even if nobody else ever does), they matter, even if that is just my delusion and I am a fool for believing it…

but I’m not…

(the title lies)

101

caring 101 as if it is so hard to grasp... that's right, a hundred and one posts right here and how many of them have you missed?... of course, you are way too busy to care enough to actually keep in touch, all of you who claim to care... almost fifteen hundred entries in the primary daily blog and how many have you read, no less left a caring word or two that would actually make your so called caring real... yeah, yeah, i know, time is relative and it's the thought that counts and all that jazz...

and how many thoughts included me?

you want positivity, go elsewhere, you'll find the reality of your caring, or lack thereof, reflected back at you it you ever show up here... the worst part is you actually think you do care...

one more daily delusion bought and sold...

word.

rem jewel and metal bugs

deep sleep dreams last for but the briefest moment and in the end, the saved gave nothing back to the world but fear and oppression and nightmares (they needed to create the darkness and fear of the darkness to sell the light), so nothing else matters, who knows (tomorrow?)...

like you could care less...

the joke

or not so joke is that i am one of the people laughing at the ridiculousness of egocentric insecurity that compels us to pretend that anybody might care to know every little thing about me or you or anyone as if something important like happiness or world peace rests on writing these words...

wait, it's time for my next tweet...

narf.

and it really doesn't matter if you're wrong or right

when nobody cares...

people love to hate

just look at what attracts the most people the most... the news is all about death and destruction, abuse and victimization, who to heat and/or fear... news you need to know they tell you...

people also love to judge others badly and laugh at others... just look at the tabloid papers and tv shows from talk to celebrity gossip to cop shows to reality tv shows... people love to watch conflict and ridicule and other people behaving badly or stupidly...

people love to celebrate death and destruction...

people suck, really...

or perhaps the point is

the music above this or the words down below or the story in your eyes (go to the mirror boy?)... just listen and read and you'll find it if you want to and then it will matter... we cannot do everything at once, we cannot be everything to everyone, and we can only focus on one moment at a time if we truly want to make the most of the moment, enjoy it well, and share it completely... any less, and we waste it... so be in your moments, experience your choices, and regret only that you have the awareness of other desires you must pass on... there can be only one number one...

video guest blogger

i deserve better

i know i deserve better treatment from those with whom i interact... i deserve to be appreciated more... i deserve more consideration for my feelings and for my desires... i do not deserve to be ignored, to be used at everyone else's convenience and then disgarded, or at least put aside for weeks, months, or years only to be expected to pick up right where i left off giving unconditionally when someone wants something from me again... i know my giving ways allow people to take advantage of me and my choice to continue being me, to continue giving unconditionally, enables the users... i keep hoping i will find one human being who is not a user, but no such luck so far...

i know i deserve fairness and balance in my sharings, but it just does not happen and i continue because i am not going to be someone i am not just because no one else has the courtesy, fairness, consideration, caring, and love that i experience in me and give to others... it is their loss and my loss, but there is no other way... i will keep teasing, poking, prodding, and trying every way i can to present the idea (that all religions are based upon) that fear and selfishness and holding back is not the best way to be and that love is, honest open shared unconditional love... i will not care less, share less, love less, give less, be less... like the worst joke ever told, i'll be back (bock, even)...

fuck'em if they can't take a joke... or get it right :)

the hope

foolish as it seems, i still have my dreams... and the hope that all these words, thouands of pages (many thousands, actually)... writing an average of an hour a day for more than a decade (with some days skipped and other days lived in the words from waking to sleeping) writing and sending these words, these messages in bottles out on to the cyber seas... like a drunk robinson caruso talking to a soccer ball named amy, or [insert name here] and hoping for a response...

you're an idiot, i hear from the back of my mind... everybody is living while you are writing... and yet, someone must love words as i do, someone must want to share the words as i do, not as life, but as an extension of the mind, the ethereal life...

still, this may very well be why i am alone tonight...