Spending so much time online, or at least appearing to, I confess the illusion is greater than the sum of it's parts. How many of my blogs have you found and do you know why? Why for you and why for me, why is the question before the last letter.
Irony of language used in correspondence.
So I confess. As much as I crave your attention, your respect, your admiration, adoration, affection... as much as I adore the feedback, i would trade it all, the internet, technology, life itself, for a moment of true love in eternal bliss. Or this could all be bullshit.
Fuck me for being such a fool.
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6 comments:
Initial impulse was to reply ... "you REALLY don't want me to fuck you again, do you?" ... but saner heads prevailed ...
I've lost count of how many blogs ... all I know is that I'm having fun and laughter and shock and tears and anger and sorrow and regret and overwhelm-ation and empathy and pride and shame and giggles and tickles and chills ... as I navigate through the sheer multitude of words you have "out there" (I think I've said that before, haven't I?) ...
I stop and pause and leave a comment here or there just because ... and other passages I cut and paste into a "further thought" file ... whose response or reaction tirade rant will find its way to you eventually
And I could have said "why not?" ... because that's what she said ...
But that thought didn't cross my mind until now ... and even then it was simply to say to myself "hmmm I didn't even think of saying why not" ...
Why not? Such an arrogant reply such a silly defensive please beat me up show me i'm not worthy or if you don't show me i'm not worthy i'll make sure you do response ...
to your first query, probably not...
i look forward to your more thoughtful replies, whatever the tone or mood or emotion... i appreciate your immediate replies, for they let me know you are here and inspire further thought... i even appreciate your belated why not? for the perspective it reveals and for the confession is inspires...
you are good at what you do and i underestimated you once... i'll attempt to overestimate this time :)
Its weird finding someone express the same ideas I have. Yeah, fuck technology and the internet for we are a consumer culture (oxymoron) and we are individualy lost in our own bullshit as if it meant anything.
What bothers me even more is that we become so detached from our real world that we seek attention from people online,that we don't even know. I mean, people are so two-faced in the real world, on the net they're multi faced, so we live in an illusion inside a death-trap 3D. In all of this mess, the idea of true love is lost and everyone has forgotten, except for those of us that have tasted it. I'm tired of the western world and technology and the internet and capitalism, yeah, to hell with all this meaningless bullshit. Will is love, love is the law. 93.
weird, yes, but i am smiling at you for the understanding we appear to share :)
the irony is that the meaninglessness is the majority, but the moments of connection like this feel good, even if we never meet or become friends with any meaningful value in our lives, we remind each other where the value is found...
and the irony is that amidst the bullshit, every now and then, something real happens... for instance, peacefulchaos (above) is someone i lived with, slept with, loved, and shared daily physical family life with a decade ago and we stumbled upon each other again because of the words i sprinkle here and there online...
some of the messages in bottles i've sent out on the net over the years were specifically to her, so in this way the real physical world connects with the hobby of babbling and hopeful illusions of connections that might come of the uploaded words...
it does not change my view that spending time online can be wasteful, nor does it change my view that substituting online sharing for offline sharing is unhealthy and foolish, but it does reward the babbling fool who loves to write and share words...
i'll still be spending most of my waking hours experiencing the physical world though...
and here, your words, you bring worth into my world in the way of thought and philosophy... i remember aleister crowley's writings and found much worth and amusement in his thinking (amusement not in a mocking sense, but in the sense of the smile found when i relate to someone else's words - as i have with yours)...
i do not claim any vast knowledge of his writings though, but i like the idea of 93...
of course, being an irreverent playful sort, i also like the idea of 42 as in douglas adam's ultimate answer, for whatever it may mean (and that is the point, i think, for whatever it may mean is up to each one to decide for his/her self)...
i do my best to not let my overall perspective and mood be dominated by the sorrow and frustration and anger and fatigue of living in this oppressive, abusive, wasteful, self-defeating, suicidal western culture... i feel it all the time, the curse of conscious awareness, but i find the lighter amusements and the meaningful moments of sharing love and caring and kindness and laughter can prevail if i choose to focus my time and energy on such positive sharings...
ain't always easy though :}
it's not easy at all. The battle is everyday and every second, and it gets lonely sometimes. I've let my guard down these last two months just because I was bored and I let someone in who I believed would be on my side but instead is made up so many lies and illusions like I've never seen before. After I had escaped my illusions, I get trapped by the worst one of them all:Love, but in the vulgar sense.
Through meditation and daily practices do I keep my sanity and from being swallowed by the fire of my own rage. The battle is ever so long...
The one true reason why I even like crowley is his scientific approach to the unknow. It's not like voodo or christianity where you do weird things just because god said so or so he wont get pissed and send you to hell. No, crowley's stuff is psychological, hidden behind the veil of darkness so stupid people don't understand it even if they own all of his books. This appeals to me a lot being a psychology major and a giant skeptic about everything.
I think it's awesome you found and old frined and lover through the net though, kindred spirits never get lost.
living in the moment brings everything into clarity, the bliss and the pain both... it is good that you have a way to maintain balance, not that it is easy, but to have a way, that is much better than most...
i play mind games about the unknowns with myself all the time, trying on different possibilities and seeing what fits... what fits best is accepting that what is not known is not known... even that, without any dark references, scares most people away and leaves me suspect... there is nothing scarier to a closed mind than coming face to face with an open one...
and yeah, there are a few people i would love to meet again and the internet is one way to send out messages in bottles...
life is full of broken circles (and hearts)... i like it when i find endless connections...
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